March 2011

My Pet Has Cancer . . . What Comes Next?

Cancer….it’s hard to find a scarier word. The mere mention of it can send waves of panic and evoke frightening images of protracted illness, suffering, and death. If your beloved pet has been diagnosed with cancer, there are no adequate words to take away the fear and sadness you are likely experiencing. You may also be feeling very powerless and are wondering what you will do now and where to go from here.

What Do I Do Now?

If your mind is reeling from over-stimulation, you should know that this is normal. When faced with an emotional shock, our minds and emotions tend to kick into overdrive. You may even feel so overwhelmed that you don’t know what you’re feeling. The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to take a deep breath and take away any pressure you’re putting on yourself to figure things out immediately. You will start to sort things out as you are given a chance to absorb and process what’s going on.

Anticipatory Grief

Since the word cancer is often synonymous with the word death, your first thoughts and feelings may be of your pet’s eventual death. Though your pet may not be facing death necessarily, your mind may still go there. Even though your pet is still alive, it’s hard not to focus on the “worst case scenario.” Many pet owners dealing with cancer feel this way. They often find themselves in the position of “hoping for the best” while trying to “prepare for the worst.” These feelings are the result of what is known as “anticipatory grief.” While this type of grief precedes an actual death, it still includes many of the same emotions of grief experienced after death. Sadness, depression, shock, anger, and guilt are all common emotions. You may even feel as though you’ve already lost your pet. This is completely normal and you should avoid self-recrimination if this is the case. This is simply your heart and mind’s way of trying to prepare for a potential loss.

Cancer is Not an Immediate Death Sentence

Most people have been affected by cancer in some form or another. We all have preconceived notions of what cancer means based upon those experiences. We are also influenced by societal messages, the media, and other forms of information we hear every day. Obviously, if you or someone very close to you has had cancer (or still has) these experiences will influence you in how you deal with cancer in your pet (both positive and negative).

The diagnosis of cancer does not necessarily mean your pet will die any time 
soon. Many types of cancers can be treated effectively and with fewer side effects than many people experience. As your veterinarian will tell you, cancer treatment in pets rarely is the same as cancer treatment in humans. Your pet, his/her overall health, the type and progression of the cancer are just a few of the factors that can determine how your pet may respond. The most important thing is to work carefully with your veterinarian to receive as much information as possible so you can make informed decisions. 

Where Do I Go From Here?

Even if you are feeling powerless about your pet’s cancer, there are still many things that you can do to help move through this difficult time.

• Seek assistance from family, friends, or anyone else who can help you. Supporting a loved one with cancer can be exhausting and very painful. Reach out to those who can help you.
• Think carefully and take some time before deciding whether or not to treat your pet’s cancer. Because you are upset, you may have difficulty concentrating on the facts at hand. Your veterinarian may give you a lot of information regarding treatment options that may be overwhelming. Get all information in writing so that you can refer to it later on.
• Write down everything. It’s unlikely that you will be able to think of everything at one time. If you have written material, you may feel less unsure and be able to generate your own list of questions. This takes the pressure off of you to remember everything in a single conversation.
• Consult with your veterinarian. Your veterinarian is your most important resource! Talk openly with him/her about your concerns and ask specific questions about the progression of your pet’s cancer. Consider your pet’s expected prognosis and age. Consider how things may change a few weeks or months down the road. Questions you might ask include:

           - What is the expected outcome if I opt for treatment? What is the
             projected best-case scenario? What is the worst-case scenario?
           - What are the potential side effects of treatment? How might they
             affect my pet and how long might they last?

• Consider quality of life issues. You will need to be an advocate for your pet and decide what the best guidelines are. Depending upon your pet’s type, location, and extent of cancer, this will vary greatly. Every situation is unique and it’s important to remember that just because you can provide treatment for your pet, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you should.
  
  

   Quality of life questions include both pain and suffering:

       Pain is a physical sensation that your veterinarian can help you identify
       and manage.

          - Does your veterinarian feel confident that your pet’s pain can be
            alleviated?
          - Do you feel comfortable giving your pet pain medication when your
            veterinarian is not available, i.e., are you able to give your pet pills
            when needed?

       Suffering can be more difficult to define and evaluate. To determine if
       your pet is suffering, you need to consider your pet’s unique personality
       and temperament in addition to the medical facts. These may include:

          - What kinds of routines or interactions are normal to your pet’s daily
            life? What makes your pet “happy” and able to enjoy life? How have
            these things changed as a result of the cancer treatment?
          - Is your companion tolerant or afraid of visiting the pet hospital?
          - Does your pet’s cancer treatment require your pet to be confined in
            the home or at the pet hospital? Is your pet able to interact with you?
          - Do you have enough time in your schedule to care for your pet
            properly? Will this continue if your pet’s health declines?
          - Are any of your family/friends available to help and support you?

• Consider financial implications. It may not seem fair that you must make such decisions based on finances, but living in the real world requires you to do so. Do you have the financial resources or are there other options available to treat your pet?
• If you decide to treat your pet’s cancer, create a schedule. The treatment of some cancers requires a strict schedule (e.g., chemotherapy every three weeks or radiation therapy for a week at a time). Write this information down in a calendar or personal organizer.
• Talk with your family. If you decide to pursue treatment, it’s important to think about how this may affect your family as a whole. Cancer treatment can be time consuming and take you away from other family and/or child obligations.
• Talk with other pet owners who have dealt with cancer. Ask your veterinarian for names or investigate on your own. Talk with them about their experiences and feelings. If they chose treatment for their pet, would they do it again? What, if anything, do they regret?
• Consider your personal resources. The treatment of certain types of cancers can require a huge personal commitment such as specialty surgeries or radiation therapy. This may include taking your pet out of town or out of state to specialty veterinary practices. Do you have the necessary time in your life to make such a commitment and do you have the energy to do it? Doing one treatment after another isn’t the only way to prove your love. Thinking about your pet’s quality of life also demonstrates your tremendous love. Even if you can treat your pet with every available treatment, it does not necessarily mean that you should.
• Take care of yourself and be kind to your heart. You may be experiencing some of the most painful and difficult times in your life…give yourself the same love and care that you’ve always provided for your pet. You deserve it.

 

December 2011

Unwelcome Dates at the Holiday Party

Holidays and grief…they can be like unwanted dinner partners at a company Christmas party. You have to attend the party and you’re not exactly thrilled with your date. However, it’s important to remember that these two are normal and quite common. Many people experience strong grief reactions during the holidays and this includes pet parents. “Anniversary grief reactions” are a well-studied, documented phenomenon that can appear and affect people during the holidays.

Holiday grief reactions occur when events that have special meaning to us start to occur and we realize emotionally that our loved one is no longer there to share it with us. We know this intellectually of course, but emotionally we sometimes put the grief “on the shelf” and the holiday event can trigger strong emotions that we thought we had taken care of already. When our grief gets stirred up, we find ourselves having to revisit our grief in powerful, unexpected, and most certainly unwelcome ways. If you have experienced the loss of a beloved pet, it’s important for you to be aware of this and understand what’s happening to you. If you’re finding yourself unexpectedly irritable, sad, or just generally “out of sorts” - you may be having an anniversary/holiday grief reaction. It’s important for you to realize that you’re not alone and it doesn’t have to completely ruin your holiday fun or enjoyment of the season.

If you think of your grief as an unwelcome dinner date, I have a few suggestions for you to try:

• Don’t be rude to your date…make a little dinner conversation. It’s okay to experience your grief and let those feelings in. In fact, if you try to suppress them, you’re more likely to be overwhelmed by them. Just let the feelings come and know that it is normal to feel them. It sounds a bit strange, but it can actually be helpful to take a deep breath as you imagine yourself letting those feelings in.
• Stay for dinner…but let your date know when it’s time to go home. It’s okay to sit with your grief, but also know that you don’t have to let those feelings completely dominate your every thought or feeling. Make time to focus on other situations of the holiday season that don’t involve sadness and loss.
• Realize that, while unwanted, your date can actually help you. When you experience grief associated with an anniversary reaction, you are handed a golden opportunity to remember that loved one and to realize that he/she is still in your heart and an important part of your life.
• Thank your date for dinner even if you didn’t enjoy the meal. Every time you deal with a situation in which your grief resurfaces, you learn a little bit more about how to honor your grief while still moving on with your life. Learning to deal with grief is a life-long process and you should feel proud of yourself when you manage those feelings without getting overwhelmed by them.
  
  

November 2011

Pet Angel Memorial Center ®. . . Always Doing It Right

For most of my professional life, I have talked about how grief can affect people and what to do about it. As a grief counselor myself, I can recite chapter and verse for you - all sorts of fascinating facts and statistics about grief manifestations and ways to deal with them. But every once in awhile, I end up on the personal end of this grief process and it’s always an eye opener and learning experience for me.

Last month, a beloved Aunt of mine died after a short and acute illness. She was an amazing and generous woman…strong, smart, gutsy, and so full of life. She was never married and had no children, so she often referred to me as the daughter she never had. It’s been over a month since she died and there are still some days when I wake up and can’t believe it’s really true that she’s gone.

Since my Aunt became gravely ill very quickly, I found myself having to make difficult decisions on the spur of the moment. This was particularly true on the day before her death. In the morning, one of the nurses at the hospital told me that time was very short and that I should start making arrangements for my Aunt as soon as possible. Two hours later, I found myself sitting in the office of a mortuary making arrangements for the cremation of my Aunt’s body. It was a bit surreal and I was aware of how scattered and distracted I was at the time. In fact, there are still details about that meeting and conversation that I cannot remember. The human being in me thinks that I went a bit crazy at the time, but the grief counselor in me realizes that this was simply the grief process at work.

Thankfully, the good people at the mortuary were very professional and compassionate about my situation. They seemed to understand my confusion and were extremely patient with me. They provided a caring, kind, and supportive environment for me to make the necessary decisions and complete the tasks that needed to be done. This has brought me comfort since then because I know that I wasn’t alone.

This whole experience has made me feel even prouder about my association with Pet Angel Memorial Center ®. The kind and caring professionals at Pet Angel always provide pet owners with all the important things I so desperately needed that day at the mortuary with my Aunt’s death . . . compassion, support, understanding and kindness. Thank you everyone for letting me tell you about my Aunt; and thank you Pet Angel, for always doing it right.

October 2011

Pet Loss and Complicated Grief

Grief specialists know that many people form tremendously strong emotional bonds with their pets. There are a variety of reasons for this, but most relevant are that pets offer a type of unconditional acceptance and support that is difficult to find in human relationships (pets are accepting, non-judgmental, a constant presence in one’s life, and offer complete loyalty and devotion despite the person’s flaws or mistakes). In essence, the relationship is pure and free from the ambivalence often seen by human loved ones. Factors contributing to the intensity of the human-animal bond include:

• Owners believe they rescued their companion animals from death or near-death.
• Owners believe their companion animals “got them through” a difficult period in life.
• Owners spent their childhoods with their companion animals.
• Owners have relied on their companion animals as their most significant source of support.
• Owners anthropomorphize their companion animals (assign human characteristics or qualities).
• Owners have invested extensive time, effort, and/or financial resources into their companion animal’s long-term medical care.
• Owners view their companion animals as symbolic links to significant people who are no longer part of their lives (e.g., children who have died or moved away, significant relationships or marriages that have ended) or to significant times in their lives (e.g., futures that would be lived in the mountains, past times spent hiking, fishing, camping, etc.).
  
  

Additionally, pets often function as pseudo “children” for many people (especially those who do not have human children).  Like any other parent, many pet owners feel a great sense of protectiveness and responsibility for their pet’s well-being. These parental feelings only serve to make the bond that much more powerful and important.

When people form very strong emotional bonds and relationships with their pets, the death of that pet can be a deeply traumatic experience. In the past 20 years, grief researchers and counselors have discovered that many pet owners experience substantial emotional pain and suffering upon their pet’s death. In fact, a 2009 study conducted by the American Animal Hospital Association found that 85% of pet owners have reported having significant disruptions in their lives, their work, and their families upon their pet’s death. Since the love and relationships with pets is so pure and powerful, the grief response matches that level of emotional intensity. It doesn’t matter “who” the person is grieving for…grief is grief, and the same exact emotions apply.

Factors That Can Complicate Grief

Studies have also shown that there are some people who are so consumed by their grief, they actually experience thoughts of suicide in the days or weeks following the death of that loved one. The fact that our society minimizes or trivializes these losses only serves to make the grief that much more painful and difficult to resolve. The grieving pet owner is made to feel embarrassed about his/her emotions and can be very reluctant to seek out vital grief support. In short, trivializing this grief makes the pain much worse by complicating the grief process.

In the field of grief counseling, it is widely known that complicated grief can be more intense and more difficult to work through. There are many factors that can create complicated grief. Some of these factors include:

Characteristics of the Bereaved:

• No previous experiences with significant loss, death, or grief
• Other recent losses
• A personal history involving multiple losses
• Little or no support from friends or family
• Societal norms that trivialize and negate the loss
• Lack of understanding about the grief process
• Feelings of guilt or responsibility for a death
  
  

Characteristics of the death event:

• Untimely deaths like those of  young animals
• Deaths that happen suddenly, without warning
• Deaths that have no known cause or that could have been prevented
• An unexplained disappearance
• Not being present at death
• Not viewing the body after death
• Witnessing a painful or traumatic death
• Inaccurate information about normal grief

 
As a grief counselor, it is my heartfelt wish that those of you grieving the death of a beloved pet are given the appropriate validation of your pain and suffering. If you believe that you are experiencing complicated grief, I strongly encourage you to give yourself opportunities to express your grief and seek out appropriate support resources. You certainly deserve it and your heart may find some comfort as a result.

September 2011

"Honoring Our Dead...Honoring Our Grief"

As you are all aware, this month marks the 10^th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. The media has been rife with television specials, memorials, and even interviews with loved ones that have survived the grief of these deaths. Why is remembering this national tragedy and memorializing the dead so important? In a word…it helps us move through our grief. Studies show that one of the most effective ways to work through grief is to find a way to memorialize the loved one and to do it as often as needed.

Memorialization is the process by which a griever acknowledges and honors the life that was lived. It is a critical part of the grieving process because it allows grievers to express their emotions in emotionally healthy ways and to accept the reality of the loss. One of the biggest challenges we all face with loss is finding ways to establish new “connections” with our loved ones in the face of death. Memorialization helps us to do this and gives us healthy outlets to work through our grief. When we can make our emotions “active’ we are better able to move through the loss. Memorialization also allows us to tap into our creativity and unique expressions of love.

Now if we turn our focus to our beloved pets, we will find that the issues are remarkably similar. It does not matter if you are grieving the death of a human loved one or a beloved pet. The grief process is the same and memorialization remains one of the best ways to make our grief “active” so that we can work through it. When deciding upon memorializing, it is important to do what feels right for you and not worry about what other people think. Consider the unique personality of your pet and the things that made your relationship special. The key is to find ways to express your grief and allow you the chance to say good-bye in a meaningful way.

Ideas for memorialization:

• Use photographs to create an album or chronicle your pet’s life
• Write a story, poem, song, etc. about and/or dedicated to your pet
• Create an obituary for your pet; consider posting it in the newspaper
• Write down special memories of your pet, share these anecdotes with family and friends
• Have a plaque made in honor of your pet
• Make a donation to a worthy animal organization in honor of your pet
• Plant a tree, flowers, or bushes in a meaningful place
• Volunteer time at a humane society or other organization that fosters homeless animals
• Keep pet tags; put them on your keychain so that your pet is always with you
• Make something that reminds you of your pet (sculpture, painting, needlework, etc.)
• Start a pet loss support group in your community
• Have a professional portrait or sculpture done of your pet—many artists can do this after death from a photograph
• Place a bench with an engraved nameplate where your pet is buried
• Place ashes in a locket (must be in an airtight bag)
• Place ashes in a houseplant or scatter them in a meaningful place (airtight bag)
• Collect pet collars, tags, bowls, blankets, etc. and put them in a special place in honor of your pet
• Make clay paw prints to keep as a special memento
• If your pet is not buried near you, take pictures of the place and put them in a special spot which you can “visit”
• Write a letter to your pet expressing feelings you may be struggling with
  
  

A Memorial Service for My Pet?

Some people feel that holding a memorial service for a pet sounds strange. In fact, this is an excellent way for you to express your grief. Because you need to express your grief in emotionally healthy ways, you will need opportunities to do so. A memorial service not only provides this, but also creates a loving environment where you can garner some much-needed support. This is a time when you can be around people who care and who also cared about your pet.

You may choose to read a special poem or even write a special poem or story about your pet’s life. A memorial service allows you the time to share with others how your pet touched your life and the ways in which you feel fortunate to have had them with you.

You may choose to make your memorial very small and private or you may want to invite many friends and family. The point is to give you the opportunity to say good-bye in a meaningful and special way. Your pet deserves it and so do you.

August 2011

"Grieving 101?"

As a grief specialist, I naturally spend a lot of time reading about the grief process and ways to work through grief. I was reviewing some material the other day and came across some professional literature I was taught years and years ago. It described the “four tasks of grieving” which include:
1) accepting the reality of the loss, 2) experiencing the pain of the grief,
3) adjusting to an environment in which the deceased is missing, and
4) withdrawing emotional energy and reinvesting it into other relationships (William Worden, Harvard medical school). Clearly, this is terrific information to be sure, but it struck me as odd that we can think of grieving as a “task.” Now, according to my dictionary, a “task” is defined as a “piece of assigned work.” This got me to thinking…is moving through grief really an “assignment”? And if so, who assigned the work and who should we report to about it? How do we know if we complete the task successfully?

Without a doubt, grieving is hard emotional work. In fact, it is often the hardest thing people have to ever do in their lives. Yet, if grieving successfully requires the completion of specific tasks, does this mean that there is a “right” and “wrong” way to grieve? What happens to those individuals who fail to complete all four tasks? What if they only complete three? Does that mean they get a bad grade for “Grieving 101” and what does that mean for their life?

Every grief expert out there will tell you that no two people grieve exactly alike. We’re all different and work through our emotions in a unique way. So, this would mean that there are many ways to grieve and I would assume, many ways to grieve “successfully.” While the concepts and ideas contained in “tasks” of grieving are helpful, they also have the potential to put additional pressure on the person who is grieving (my personal favorite…“have you achieved closure yet?”). What is closure? What does it look like and how do we know when we’ve achieved it?

These are very complicated emotions and situations for all of us. For me personally, I think that grieving “successfully” is all about survival. Just as with any other emotional trauma, our ultimate goal is to survive the experience so that we can continue to move forward.  If we can accept a loved one’s death, and yet still manage to live without that loved one…that sounds pretty successful to me. And maybe that is what we mean when we say “closure.” What do you think?

July 2011
 Author’s note…at Pet Angel we are always here to support grieving pet owners and provide helpful material such as this blog. However, we also know that many people who have recently lost a pet have other remaining pets and are dealing with many issues other than grief. Therefore, I would like to expand this blog to cover a variety of issues and topics resulting from sharing our lives with companion animals. I hope you enjoy!

Goin’ To Camp!

It’s wonderful….summer has finally come! When I think of summer, I think of lazy summer days, trips to the swimming pool, visits to exotic locations, and of course…CAMP! Would a summer really be complete without a thrilling visit to camp? Although this camp doesn’t have roasted marshmallows or swimming relays, it sure can keep the fur flying! I’m referring to “Pet Camp” of course! Yes…”Doggy” and “Kitty” camp can be a fun time for your faithful friend to “get away from it all” while you humans are busy on your own vacations.

It’s very common for pet owners to worry about their pets while on vacation. “How will they eat? Will they get lonely? Will they miss me? What will happen if they get sick?” These are all typical anxieties and fears. This past decade has seen a literal explosion of pet boarding facilities - all designed to address these many fears. These facilities can range from simple to elegant, economical to downright outrageous. But how do you know which facility is right for you and your pet? Which ones can be trusted with the safety and welfare of your companion? There are no simple answers here and the sheer number of choices available can make things even more complicated. If you’re unsure as to which facility to choose, try the following:

• Talk with your Veterinarian first. Find out if your pet is well enough to board away from home. Are there any health issues/problems that may be exacerbated or made worse?
• Ask your Veterinarian for a referral. He/she might know of places that are reputable and caring. Understand, however, that your Veterinarian is not responsible for anything that may happen at this facility.
• Get a referral from a trusted friend who cares about his/her pet the way you care about yours. After all, great minds think alike!
• Arrange for a tour of the potential facility. Before visiting, write down any questions you might have. Common questions include:
        - How long have you been operating and what is your experience
          with boarding animals?
        - Can I speak with some of your previous customers?
        - Can I check in on my pet?
        - What happens if my pet gets ill/injured while I'm gone? What is your
          procedure and how do you handle things? 
        - If my pet needs medical attention, how do you handle this?
  During your visit, look out for things like cleanliness, comfort, and the competency of the staff. Beware of places that are unwilling to provide tours or receive unannounced visits.
• Shop for value. Some facilities may look beautiful on the outside, but don’t really offer that much for the pets themselves. Look beyond the superficial and consider what your pet’s day-to-day life would be like.
  
  

June 2011 

Grieving With a Celebrity

Quiz time friends…what do you and George Clooney have in common? I was reading Entertainment Weekly magazine the other day and it contained an interview with George Clooney. What I discovered is that in addition to being People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” he is also a devoted pet owner who has faced the death of a pet just like you.

It’s always intriguing to read about celebrities and imagine what they’re like or how it would be to meet them. We see them through the sanitized filter or television or movies so they often seem larger than life and not vulnerable to painful emotions. However, if you look beyond the celebrity status, you can see that many celebrities love their pets as much as you do and suffer the same types of grief when they die.

George Clooney has shared his love of animals quite a bit in the media. In particular, he has spoken about his pet pig “Max” who died a number of years ago. George had lived with Max ever since he was a baby piglet and the bond between them was very strong. George was not shy at all about admitting the grief he experienced when Max died. He has also noted that his computer screen saver contains pictures of his bulldogs “Bud” and “Lou” both who have died.

I would imagine that George Clooney likes having pets because animals have no preconceived notions or expectations. They simply accept us for who we are without conditions. This type of love is both genuine and quite rare. It’s no wonder then, that the grief over this type of loss is intense. Even a celebrity cannot sidestep the normal and inevitable emotions of grief and loss. What makes it so great is that he is willing to talk about it openly and admit those feelings are present. Having a celebrity normalize your own emotions can help you deal with the embarrassment many pet owners feel about the intensity of their grief.

If you are dealing with the death of a beloved pet, perhaps even a non-traditional one such as a pig, llama, rabbit, etc, take your cue from one of the sexiest men alive. Don’t be ashamed of your grief, let the world know about it, and find yourself some support because you deserve it!

May 2011 

Mashed Potatoes for the Soul

My children have been ill this past week and I have been making them all sorts of “comfort” foods as they recover. I’ve made fried chicken, grilled cheese sandwiches, homemade soup, macaroni and cheese, and of course, the old standby…mashed potatoes. The thought occurred to me that when we are grieving over a difficult or devastating loss, we also need a good helping of mashed potatoes for our minds and our hearts. Now we have all heard that chocolate can cure almost anything ranging from soothing sunburns to helping with depression, but there are many other ways to comfort ourselves during emotionally difficult times. Here’s my list of ideas:

1. Tissues: no mystery here…sadness and grief need to be expressed in order to work through grief.

2. Blankets: these provide shelter and safety allowing a person to grieve more openly.

3. Phone: gives comfort and love from trusted friends and family who understand grief and want to offer support.

4. Paper and pencil: allows expression of feelings that need to come out.

5. Photo album: provides a creative way to memorialize a beloved pet and, in doing so, works through those difficult and painful emotions.

6. Computer: reduces anxiety and sadness by allowing people to reach out to others who are going through the same experiences and are in need of support.

7. Bed or couch: provides rest when needing to slow down and be pampered.

8. Books: reduces fear, anxiety, and depression by educating people about normal grief and learning ways to work through it.

9. Mirror: a daily reminder that everyone is a special, important person deserving of patience, love, and respect during the grieving process.

10. Chocolate: no mystery here? This eases depression by raising serotonin levels in the brain and just has a magical way of making everyone feel better. If chocolate is not an option, a different treat or special meal makes a good alternative!

11. Newspaper: either in hard copy or on-line, this can be a great source to find humorous articles and cartoons that reduce sadness with a good laugh.

12. And…mashed potatoes: could there be any doubt? Just enjoying something decadent and comforting does wonders for soothing a grieving soul and heart!

Try making your own list today.  Remember….you deserve it!

April 2011

The Re-Birth of Spring

April…spring…and re-birth. Could anything be better after those long, dark, cold months of winter? Like many of you, I revel in the renewed energy of spring. All you need to do is look out the window to see the evidence: flowers sprouting up, tiny insects and animals roaming about, and longer days with the promise of sun and warmth. Spring is also a time of spiritual re-birth and growth. Religious holidays such as Easter and Passover celebrate the promise of hope, renewed life and by extension--renewed faith.  All of this brings me to this month’s topic… growth from grief.

For those experiencing the most painful parts of their grief, it’s hard to imagine it. Yet, grief can include a growth process. Just as spring brings warm relief from the cold of winter, spiritual growth offers similar relief to the brutal cold of grief. Many grievers find this tremendously comforting and a necessary break from what can seem like unrelenting pain. It is also a time when many re-connect with the spiritual or religious side of themselves. They discover a treasure trove of thoughts, hopes, or feelings they had forgotten or didn’t know existed. They also find that they can re-connect with others whom they have lost through previous deaths.

For me personally, I feel that no matter what your religious/spiritual inclinations are—life itself has a master plan of its own. Though we don’t want to--many of us eventually come to realize that death is a necessary part of life. We fight it, we rage against it, and cry out against the pain it brings. But, in the end…we discover that life itself knows the way. This plan is so much bigger than us because it is the natural cycle of life…death… and re-birth. If we’re willing to embrace that master plan, we can experience growth from grief…we can find meaning, and yes--we can even find “gifts.”

What “gifts” have you ever experienced from your grief? What might you find if you can summon the courage to explore this further? For those feeling that you lack a religious/spiritual center, this may seem out of reach for you. However, if you want some help with this or to explore this topic further…contact us and we’ll help you get started. We’re here and we’re listening. We want to help you revel in the re-birth of spring!

March 2011 

Oncology, Radiology, and All the Other

"ologies" . . . Treating Cancer in Your Pet

If your beloved pet has been recently diagnosed with cancer, you are likely feeling tremendous stress. One of biggest of these stressors is the decision of whether or not to treat your pet’s cancer. This can be an intimidating topic because it strikes a chord of fear in all of us. “Chemotherapy”… such a terrifying word and almost as frightening as the word “cancer.” The mere mention of it can scare you with images of hair loss, vomiting, and additional suffering. If you are exploring treatment options for your pet, be aware of how certain words like “chemotherapy” can evoke such strong emotions that they may color your judgment. In situations like these, pre-conceived ideas may interfere with your ability to hear and process vital information.

Your best course of action is to be aware of these emotions while taking a deep breath and allowing yourself to be open and flexible to what your veterinarian tells you. This is when you do have some power and can be a wonderful advocate for your pet. During this time, you will likely hear a lot of medical information that may sound a little confusing and overwhelming unless you’ve had medical training. Below is a list of strategies to try when deciding about treatment:

• Obtain written copies of all pertinent medical information.  Because you are upset, you may have difficulty concentrating on the facts at hand. Your veterinarian may give you a lot of information regarding treatment options that may be overwhelming. Get all information in writing so that you can refer to it later on.
• Write down all your questions. It’s unlikely that you will be able to think of everything at one time. Writing down questions takes the pressure off to remember everything in a single conversation with your veterinarian.
• Consult with your Veterinarian. Your veterinarian is your most important resource! Talk openly with him/her about your concerns and ask specific questions about the progression of your pet’s cancer. Consider your pet’s expected prognosis and age. Consider how things may change a few weeks or months down the road. Questions to ask your veterinarian include               - What is the expected outcome if I opt for treatment? What is the     

        projected best-case scenario? What is the worst-case scenario?
      - What are the potential side effects of treatment? How might they affect
        my pet and how long might they last?
      - What should I do if there is a crisis after hours or if I cannot contact the
        pet hospital?

• Consider quality of life issues. You will need to be an advocate for your pet and decide what the best guidelines are. Depending upon your pet’s type, location, and extent of cancer this will vary greatly. Quality of life guidelines include both pain and suffering:

     Pain is a physical sensation that your veterinarian can help you identify
     and manage.
      - Does your veterinarian feel confident that your pet’s pain can be
        alleviated?
      - Do you feel comfortable in giving your pet pain medication when your
        veterinarian is not available?
     Suffering can be more difficult to define and evaluate. To determine if
     your pet is suffering, you need to consider your pet’s unique personality
     and temperament in addition to the medical facts. These may include:
      - What kind of routines or interactions are normal to your pet’s daily life?
        What makes your pet “happy” (being able to enjoy life)? How have these
        routines changed as a result of the cancer treatment?
      - Is your companion tolerant or afraid of visiting the pet hospital?
      - Does your pet’s cancer treatment require your pet to be confined in the
        home or at the pet hospital? Is your pet able to interact with you?
      - Do you have enough time in your schedule to care for your pet properly?
        Will this continue if your pet’s health declines?
      - Are any of your family/friends available to help and support you?

• Consider financial implications. It may not seem fair that you must make such decisions based on finances, but living in the real world requires you to do so. Do you have the financial resources or can you find other options such as a credit card, assistance from family or friends, or other options?

• Consider your personal resources. The treatment of certain types of cancers can mean a big personal commitment (such as specialty surgeries or radiation therapy). This may include taking your pet out of town or out of state to specialty veterinary practices or veterinary teaching hospitals. Do you have the necessary time in your schedule and personal life to make such a commitment?
• Talk with other pet owners who have dealt with cancer. Ask your veterinarian for names or investigate on your own. Talk with them about their experiences and feelings. If they chose treatment for their pet, would they do it again? What, if anything, do they regret?
  
  

Remember…you are not alone in all this. Support is waiting here for you whenever you need it.

February 2011

Welcome To The Grief Network!

Winter is that wonderful time of year when my family contracts every single virus sweeping through the local schools in our city. This past week I spent most of my days taking temperatures, making soup, and administering medicine. I did manage however, to take in a few exciting hours of daytime television. My favorite part… watching all the specialized networks (The NFL Network, The Food Network, and The Do-It-Yourself Network are just a few places where you can find the most in-depth information imaginable on a given topic). This month, I’ve decided that we should create our own “Grief Network” to help those who are dealing with the death of a beloved pet. Here‘s the lineup I would propose:

• Morning: “Grief News Daily” - This show gives the latest information on the grief process and assures you that your feelings are normal and necessary. A special grief correspondent reports on “disenfranchised” grief (grief not given formal acceptance by society). You are given acknowledgement and encouraged to express your grief. You are told it’s okay to be very upset…that you’re not crazy or silly.
• Noontime: “Self-Care Tips” - Viewers are given strategies for taking care of themselves while they eat a hasty lunch. You are told that grieving is hard work and it’s smart to make your own health a priority. Viewers are also provided with some grief support tidbits such as: 1) eating healthy; 2) getting plenty of rest; 3) writing down or journaling difficult feelings; 4) finding replenishing activities; and 5) seeking out humor or other positive parts of life.
• Afternoon: “Grief Talk-Shows” - In grand “Oprah” like style, these shows highlight the benefits of connecting with others who are also grieving the death of a pet. They tell you that reaching out to others who may share some of the same feelings can be validating, reassuring, and empowering.
• Evening: “Memorials at Night” - This show presents the many benefits of honoring and memorializing your beloved pet. Through memorialization, you’re not only honoring your pet’s special life, but you’re also giving a voice to your most difficult emotions such as regret or guilt. By getting these feelings “moving”—you’re increasing the likelihood that they will change and help you move forward in your healing process.
  
  

Tune in today and watch The Grief Network with us!

January 2011

A New Kind of Diet

Another year is upon us and it’s time to make those New Year’s resolutions. We all know the familiar drill…eat healthier, exercise more, quit smoking, spend more time with our family, and so on. And of course, the most common resolution is the ever-present goal of losing weight. Well, I’ve got a new way to lose weight and I’d like to share it with you. I’m referring to a “grief diet” so that you can start losing the heavy weight of grief that many of us experience.

Grief is one of those emotions that can harass you 24/7 if you’re not careful. It can become overwhelming, all consuming, and never seem to let up. Most of us aren’t meant to focus such intense emotional energy for that long. It’s too exhausting and way too intense. A healthier approach is to acknowledge the grief, but welcome other human responses like humor, joy, and happiness. It’s okay to laugh at something when you’re grieving, and it does not mean you’re breaking some unwritten rule. As humans, we’re meant to feel the whole gamut of emotions sometimes within a single day. It seems to work better if we remove judgment about any of the emotions we have.

The strange paradox is that even though our grief is a terrible burden, we still want to keep it close somehow and protect it. It is so very personal and it keeps that loved one alive for us in our mind and heart. The problem comes when we want our grief to lessen but worry that if we let the grief go…the loved one goes too.

With a new grief diet, you don’t have to leave behind your grief completely, but you can select times when you purposefully let it go for awhile. And just like changing any other diet, it may be difficult at first but small, short steps tend to work the best. Certainly, the weight of your grief won’t disappear overnight, but it can gradually lessen as you move forward.

So, for the coming year, I invite you to join me with the new grief diet. If you are patient and have faith in the process, you can learn to live with the loss and accept your emotions for what they are. Once you’ve accomplished this, you will be well on your right path to peace and healing.

December 2010

The Ghosts of Christmas

The holidays are here and with them can come a mixed bag of emotions. On the one hand - the holidays bring fun, excitement, and joy about the celebrations and time spent with family and friends. On the flip side however, the holidays can trigger and enhance difficult emotions such as regret, loneliness, and most of all…grief. Many people experience strong grief reactions during the holidays and this includes pet parents. “Anniversary grief reactions” are a well-studied, documented phenomenon that can appear and affect people during the holidays.

 Anniversary/holiday reactions occur because events that have special meaning to us naturally make us think about our loved ones. When the event occurs without that loved one, our grief gets stirred up and we find ourselves having to revisit our grief in powerful and unexpected ways. If you have experienced the loss of a beloved pet, it’s important for you to be aware of this and understand what’s happening to you. No matter what holiday you celebrate, if you’re finding yourself unexpectedly irritable, sad, or just generally “out of sorts” - you may be having an anniversary/holiday grief reaction. Take heart…you’re not alone and you don’t have to let it completely ruin your holidays. Here are a few strategies to deal with your grief and take care of yourself. Although many of you might celebrate a holiday other than Christmas, I would like to offer my ideas with the help of Charles Dickens’ immortal classic, “A Christmas Carol”:

• The Ghost of Christmas Past: Your memories of your pet are unique and treasured parts of the relationship you shared. They can bring both happiness and sadness, but they are yours to keep forever. Believe it or not, memories can provide comfort. Pull out the photo album or video recordings of your pet and reflect on some of the happy times. Doing so can help reassure you that your pet will always be an important part of your life.
• The Ghost of Christmas Present: Share your special memories with understanding friends and family who will support you in the present. Talk about your grief openly instead of trying to suppress it, hoping it will go away on it’s own. In the end, expressing your grief openly eases the pain and makes it more likely to go away sooner. Ignoring it, or pushing it away often makes it that much stronger and difficult to deal with.
• The Ghost of Christmas Future: If you haven’t done so already, think about ways to memorialize your pet (if you’ve already done so…do it again)! Memorialization is one of your most positive and effective ways to deal with your grief. There’s an old expression in therapy…feelings that move change. Take charge of your future grief by getting your feelings moving!

 

October 2010

Fourth Down and Long…Dealing With Bad News

Since it’s October, I have football on the brain (it’s my favorite sport). Today I would like to share some helpful information with you while sharing the game that I love. The topic…dealing with bad news. Given that you are the “quarterback” of your life, let’s talk about how you deal with bad news. How do you process this and what steps can you take to help yourself?

• Play 1: Go into the huddle where it’s quiet. If you’ve just received bad news, you need to get yourself into a place that’s quiet and calming. This is the time when you need space to process all your feelings of shock and grief. You can’t do this if you’re in the middle of chaos.
• Play 2: Gather your offensive line. If you’ve just gotten bad news (such as your dog is very ill) you are likely in a state of shock. Everyone responds to these situations differently, but it’s essential that you garner support as soon as possible. Contact the people in your life that understand what your pet means to you. Ask them for support and “protection” during this tough time.
• Play 3: Hand off the ball to the running back when the pressure’s too much. If you are feeling overwhelmed, try to remove other pressures from your life (take a few days off from work, put other commitments on hold that can wait). You need to take care of yourself and many people who are grieving try to go on as if nothing happened. Be good to yourself; don’t carry the burden of your grief without lightening the load in other areas of your life.
• Play 4: Seek out the Coach’s advice. Sometimes it’s very hard to make sense out of our feelings of grief. They can run the whole gamut of conflicting emotions (sadness, confusion, anxiety, anger, guilt, etc.). You might even worry that you’re going a little crazy. Contact people and resources with expertise on grief and educate yourself about the process so that you can understand what’s happening to you.
• Play 5: When it’s fourth down & 10 and the punter is out… scramble like crazy. Sometimes when life hands us a crisis, the best that we can do is just follow our instincts and “wing it.” You have faced many difficult times in your life before and survived them. Believe in yourself and know that you will do this again. Follow your instincts and know that they will serve you well. Take the best care of yourself that you possibly can.

 

August 2010

The "G" Word

The grief topic for today...guilt...the big "G" word. If you were to write a play about grief, guilt would be your villain. If grief were your dinner, guilt is the yucky vegetables you must eat. I could go on and on, but the bottom line is--guilt can be really bad stuff. Why? Guilt is often a problem because it can be the most toxic. We know that grief is a normal and inevitable response to the experience of loss. Although very painful, normal grief lessens over time and gradually becomes less painful. One reason why it does not? Yep...it's the "G" word.

Guilt is that critical inner voice that judges our actions, thoughts, and even feelings. Guilt serves an important function for sure. When experienced within reason, guilt gives us a good moral compass when we've done something bad and should never do again. So within reason, guilt is good. It prevents us from becoming ax murderers. The problem comes when our guilt is excessive. Then it can become insidious, counter-productive, and blocks our ability to move forward with our grief.

Pets are seen as totally dependent upon us for their well-being. When we love them, we expect ourselves to protect them from all harm...we expect to be perfect. Now unless any you have run into any supreme beings lately, you've probably never known anyone who is perfect ( I've dated a few guys who thought they were). None of us will ever be perfect for the ones we love and we will never have the ability to control things like disease, accidents, and other life events.

Guilt comes in two delightful flavors: justified and unjustified. Justified guilt comes from actions that cause a pet's death (a dog tragically hit by a car while walking off leash). Unjustified guilt comes when we believe that small, unrelated things have somehow caused our pet's death. Whether guilt is justified or not, it is important to remember that guilt can haunt us for a long time unless we do something about it. In other words, we must face the villain of the play or choke down those awful vegetables (you pick the metaphor).

Ways to Deal with Guilt

It's a therapeutic rule...the way to deal with difficult feelings is to get them moving (sort of like emotional aerobics).Let's say that a man is stuck in his grief because he feels guilty about his dog's death (the dog was hit by a car while walking off leash). To deal with his guilt, he posts flyers about the dangers of walking dogs off leash, he writes an article in the local newspaper, and gives a presentation to the local elementary school. By taking direct action, he has turned his feelings into positive outcomes rather than just letting the guilt eat him alive. This is essential in working with guilt. To return to the metaphor--to eat the yucky vegetables, you must first chew and swallow.

I've listed some ideas below for ways to make guilt "active." There are no magic solutions here and creativity is very important. I encourage you to try the strategies below:

• Write a letter telling your pet all the things that you feel guilty about and want to apologize for. Read the letter aloud or bury the letter where your pet is buried.
• Do something worthwhile in honor of your pet. Donate your time or money to benefit animals with the knowledge that you are apologizing for what you feel guilty about.
• If your pet died accidentally, educate other pet owners about how th is accident could be avoided in the future.
• "Ask" your pet for forgiveness. Most people believe that their pet would forgive them and not hold a grudge. If this is the case with you, then you must find a way to forgive yourself.
• Do something "difficult," yet positive in honor of your pet. (An example might be giving up smoking in honor of a pet). The act of self-sacrifice may help you "atone" for your actions.
• Keep a balanced perspective. When we feel guilty about something, we forget the good things. Make a conscious choice to remember times when you were there for your pet.
• Give yourself a break. At some point, you have to stop punishing yourself for things you cannot go back and change. Focus on your future actions and invest your energy in how you want to move forward. This will help you get "unstuck" in your grief process.

Remember this: you are a human being and will never be perfect. You loved your pet and you are not the bad guy.