“You Are Right Where You Need To Be” in this journey of grief
Posted by Coleen Ellis on February 5th, 2009
Today,… I received a call from “Jim.” His beautiful baby, “D”, died last week. It has been 5 days since she died - and his heart is broken in two.
My heart broke for his as I heard him search for the meaning in this process called “death.” While he wants answers to the questions of “why” he also knows that there are no answers for what he NEEDS to know. He is stomping his feet, he is yelling to the Gods above - and he is demanding to know “why” his precious, beautiful D was taken too early from him. I assure him that he is right where he needs to be at this time as questioning, searching and yearning for some answers is so normal throughout this emotional rollercoaster called “grief.”
I also heard in Jim’s voice his need to make some logic out of his feelings. We are so wired to find solutions and formulas for why things are that, even when it is such a large emotional event as death - our brain still wants to put some “steps” in place and to find those treatments that are going to take the pain away. I, again, assured him that he is right where he needs to be as his head and his heart are conflicted between feeling and logic.
I heard fear in Jim’s voice too. Fear because he has travelled into an area that he has never been before. It is the island of grief with the hills of mourning. He is feeling things that in his young adulthood have never been a part of his world. Fear of the unknown of feelings. Fear of the unknown of emotions that are taking him down paths that he has never even imagined that he would go. I assured him that he is right where he needs to be right now.
Jim, here is my pledge to you. As a caregiver -I have a responsibility to you. My responsibility is to NOT take that pain away. I will be there to journey with you through this pain. But this will be YOUR journey and you will need to own the entire process. You will need to hurt. You will need to feel the pain. You need to have your heart guide you and take you into parts of your feelings that are going to be very scary. That is my pledge to you. I cannot answer those questions with you - but together we can revel in the mystery of those and you will decide what answers make you feel at peace.
In addition, the last part of my pledge is that I will continue to remind you that wherever you are in this journey - that is exactly where you need to be.
My New Year’s Resolution - I’m Not Getting Over My Dog’s Death!
Posted by Coleen Ellis on January 17th, 2009
Well, the New Year is here - and those resolutions are in full swing. I swear this year that I am going to make them stick and come New Year 2010 - I will be able to report back that it was a GOOD year. A successful year!
The year, for many folks, was full of emotional swings. We all face a time when there is some sort of loss in our life. Whether it is a loss that is recent or a loss that happened some time ago, the feelings and emotion of that loss still hang on to us.
However, here is my New Year’s resolution. I am going on 6 years since the death of my precious little pup, Mico. Six years. Some days it seems like just yesterday while other days it seems like it was a lifetime ago. Nevertheless, there is one thing that I do know deeply within my heart - I am not - nor will I ever be - OVER it. My life with Mico was not a disease, a cold, the flu - that I can GET OVER it. It was a precious little being that was in my life. A precious little being that changed my life forever because of her being a part of it. Therefore, when I have people ask me during one of my grief moments "are you not over her yet?" or I hear others that are experiencing loss say that they are working towards "getting over the death of their loved one," I know that NONE of us will ever be OVER it. We will get THROUGH it ! By moving towards our grief and having friends and family members around us for support, we can get through it and make our way to a new normal within our life.
With her death, my relationship merely changed . It is not over. It has gone from having that physical being with me to one of memories. But not just memories - a changed world because of the love that we shared. A changed world because of what she taught me. In addition, to her, I will forever be grateful for those lessons that she brought to me to make me a better person and a better pet parent. In her death, she made me a more sensitive to others experiencing loss. She made me more sensitive to those who, too, have experienced the love of a little creature and have had that relationship changed from physical to memories.
So, have I gotten over it in these 6 years? Absolutely not! As Helen Keller so eloquently shared with us many years ago, "The only way to the other side is through."
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
A Christmas Gift to Myself - Marley and Me
Posted by Coleen Ellis on January 5th, 2009
Oh, yea. It’s absolutely all that it’s cracked up to be.
Marley and Me was all that! Of course, for me - it started at the beginning. Just seeing a porch full of puppies is enough to get my tear ducts going in full gear! Who can’t get emotional with the innocence, the absolute cuteness, the fluffiness, the skunk-breath - of a puppy? Wow! That does it for me!
John Grogan’s story does a phenomenal job of showing the life shared with a lovable four-legged creature. The love begins right away, from the beginning, as Clearance Puppy joins the newlyweds to fill their need to have a child. After having Marley as a puppy, having a child after that must have seemed like a cakewalk! Nevertheless, they loved that puppy! Moreover, you can tell that he gave that love right back - ten-fold.
Life goes on. Marley continues to be “The World’s Worst Dog.” Jobs change. Vacations taken with awkward baby-sitters to keep an eye on the boy.
Then, in a flash, the “World’s Worst Dog” becomes the caretaker. The silent force to lean on. Jen has a miscarriage - and it’s the fabuously scruffy neck of Marley where she buries her head to cry. God, I love dogs and their sensitivity and willingness to love without judging.
Life goes on. A kid shows up. Marital spats are spatted. Couches are shredded. Neighbors are terrorized. Another kid shows up. Toys are demolished. The house is a spattering of scratches, bites, and tears. Rules are never really learned - as we all know that a dog has his own rules for living. Another kid shows up.
There are four days in a Pet Parent’s life that will always be remembered. The first is when that puppy comes home - and makes himself at home. The second is years later when you look at your old friend and you realize that the years are taking their toll. It’s not a time that we embrace - but a day that we look at with a wince in our eye. A day that we go into a bit of denial and have a “say it isn’t so” outlook.
That day came with the Grogan’s. The audience began to painfully see what was coming. Then comes that third day that Pet Parents will always remember. When a decision has to be made. We were there, every step of the way with the Grogan’s. Patrick was the one that really crawled into my heart. Here was a boy, getting dangerously close to being a man, and this being that had been with him since he was born, the only “big brother” that he knew or had, was about to die. Watching him watch the video, seeing him process what was about to happen, was beautiful. Of course - who couldn’t be touched by Colleen - willingly giving up her little stuffed toy (missing one ear, of course!) to make her big brother comfortable. UGH! So touching.
Kudos to the Grogan’s on how they allowed the children to memorialize their beloved friend. A beautiful burial ground, wrapped in his favorite blanket. Poignantly touching letters written by Connor and Colleen - with a very moving comment made by Patrick when asked about his letter. He said, “Marley knows. He just knows what I want to say.”
With our four-legged friends, that is so true. That’s why we love them - they just know.
A Tribute to My Best Canine Friend - Jenny
Posted by Coleen Ellis on December 15th, 2008
I received this most beautiful tribute to Jenny from her mommy, Chris Thomas.
“Just a note to all of you who have been in contact with me regarding Jenny and her surgery. This morning, she was walking! Great we say, but in a blink of an eye, she collapsed and was gone. Everyone in the clinic was so dumbfounded I guess no one could move. Her surgeon was there, as I understand and was so shocked it took everyone a moment to recover.
Jenny was a special pet and my soul mate that I cherished raising from 8 weeks of age to her death today at 12. Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the day with her at the clinic and saw her sit up and eat, drink and do her therapy. We had a great day together and for that, I am so thankful. I did not realize at that moment it would be our final day together forever.
She was a lady and epitomized the attitude and aptitude of what a well-bred good dog should and can be. Jenny never complained, but would let you know when things were not exactly to her liking. She was my queen of the house and all others knew not to cross Jenny. She would just quietly stand up and look at whomever and they knew it would better to move on. Just a low verbal command from her sent the younger ones scooting off. I always gave her credit for making me look good and training all of the guide pups to be good citizens. She was an ambassador for the Doberman breed and did much to change the image by her kind spirit and loving disposition. She was my demo dog when I gave service talks for Pilot Dogs, Inc. If you did not know it you would think she had been a guide dog all of her life!
This past February she was shown in Indy and received an award for the veteran’s class. In the spring she traveled with Faith and our friend Paula for the last trip to her Florida house that we would take together. Oh, how she loved the sun and the lanai! She even had her own lounger at poolside.
I think it is better we often times don’t know the future. We might miss an opportunity along the life’s highway.
Anyone who ever met Jenny loved her and she in turn loved them back. She was the best one to tell your troubles and concerns to and although she heard and saw allot in her 12 years with me, Jenny was always and forever a true and faithful friend. You knew your deepest secrets were safe with Jenny…
As I write this tonight to let you know, it is also a time for me to reflect on our life together and I am so glad that each of you have been in my life to share this part of who I am. There will be many empty days ahead for me, without my special friend and in time, the pain and hurt will lessen, but her memory will live strong in my heart and mind.
I will never forget that very special friend who gave everything to me with an unconditional love that sets the precedence for how we should all live every day.
Thank you all for your prayers and calls of encouragement. It meant a lot to me during this time.
Forever in our hearts… we loved you, Jenny. With Love, Your Mommy, Chris”
Chris, peace to your heart. From Pet Angel.
A Letter to My Friends and Family
Posted by Coleen Ellis on December 11th, 2008
Dear well-meaning Friends and Family,
“It’s just a dog - get over it.”
“You should just get another cat - that will make you feel better.”
“You should not be grieving this much for an animal - that’s not right.”
“I’m tired of hearing your stories - you need help.”
I know you mean well, but when my little doggie died, my heart broke in two. I did not need to hear the above comments as they hurt me even more. Oh, sure, you might not understand this - nor understand my love that I had for her. However, it was real and it was a deep unconditional love that we shared.
Anytime that you love someone and that cord is broken, there will be grief. There will be mourning. I will cry and I will cry for a very long time. The fact is that my life has changed forever with her death. In fact, my life has changed forever because she was IN my life. I am very proud of that - and very proud that I had this kind of relationship with a little dog.
Again, I know you do not understand this. I am not asking you to understand - I am asking you to respect my feelings and me. Please do not judge - that is not what I need right now. In fact, what I really need right now is for you to just be with me. Not say anything - not do anything - just be with me and support me in your presence. In addition, if I want to tell you another story about her - please honor this and respect me in what I need. I want to talk about her - A LOT - because then for me - she will live on just as I want her to. My biggest fear right now is that if I do not talk about her - I do not cry for her - I dread the thought that I might forget her. I NEVER want to do that.
Thank you for listening and for your help. I know it is hard for you, too, to see me hurting. Do not try to fix it - just be for me.
With love
My broken heart
Straight Talk For Parents on Death
Posted by Coleen Ellis on December 1st, 2008
Okay, Parents, it is time for a little straight-talk.
I recently met with a family whose doggie, Max, was euthanized at their home. To protect their little 3 year-old child, they whisked her off to the neighbors while the procedure was taking place. When she returned home, her friend, her “brother” as she called him, was gone. Oh, sure her parents told her that Max had gone to heaven and they did use all of the right words that need to be used when a loved one dies. But.
They did not let her say good-bye to Max in the way that she wanted to say good-bye to her friend.
Her parents were worried that seeing Max would upset her, would make her even sadder, and that she would cry. Of course, it was going to do all of those things! Tiffany just experienced a loss, someone that she loved was now gone. She no longer had this being in her life - this doggie that she so loved to play with, to talk to, with whom she read books. That part of her life was now gone. In addition, it was so important for her to tell Max how she felt, in her little 3-year-old way.
Parents, you are a huge barometer to your children and their perception of death. Children are not born with fear - we give them fear. Therefore, with death being a part of life, it is imperative that for children to be healthy in their views of this inevitable event in life, that they are given the opportunity to say good-bye in their way. They are given the chance to grieve, to mourn, and to work through their losses in the way that is significant to them. Children, realistically, have all of the skills and tools needed to deal with death - if we just let them. They cry. They show anger. They want to talk about the deceased. Moreover, they in their most innocent way - have no fear.
We as adults could really learn from them - if we would just let ourselves.
By the way, Tiffany’s mom and dad allowed her to see Max - and to say her good-byes in her own little way. It was a very touching time between two wonderful friends.
For Every Dog An Angel
Posted by Coleen Ellis on November 14th, 2008
How comforting for a Pet Parent to know that upon birth, every puppy is immediately assigned a guardian angel! That is what For Every Dog An Angel reports - and it is so heartwarming!
When the guardian angel is assigned, the angel stays with the doggie as they grow, figure out what their purpose is on earth, whether it’s to be a good sleeper, a good runner - or a wonderful singer! Furthermore, angels will visit their dog to make sure that everything is well with them. As quoted in the book,…
“Angels like to visit when their dogs are dreaming. You may have seen a dog’s paws moving while it is asleep. Perhaps it is asleep. Perhaps it is on a high hill on a faraway place, dancing with its guardian angel.”
Oh, my heart swells with love and comfort in knowing this!
Life goes on for this little doggie. They learn to love, unconditionally, and eventually find their forever person! Together, they listen to stories, they travel, they know what each other is thinking, and their love grows so deeply for each other. So much so that they know what is in each other’s hearts and minds.
That day comes, when heaven calls. Even though this little special doggie has to travel physically away from the one who loves them so, the author reminds us that they are never far from our heart. Moreover, in our heart they will always stay. Until that one day - when they meet, in eternity, to be together again. Forever.
While this book appears to be a great book for children in explaining a relationship with a pet, and the inevitable death of that pet, this book is an incredible read for an adult. The simplicity, yet complexity, of the relationship that we share with our beloved furry friends - is so eloquently described by the author, Christine Davis, from birth until death and thereafter. A description that will speak to your mind and ultimately and fully - warm your heart!
Cat Heaven
Posted by Coleen Ellis on November 10th, 2008
So many times, when we lose a very special kitty, the question from old and young alike is “Will I see my special friend again?” In addition, “Do cats go to heaven?”
The author of Cat Heaven, Cynthia Rylant, does a phenomenal job of walking everyone, old and young alike, through the heaven where kitties do go! A place that is colorful. A place that is full of everything “heavenly” that any cat would be thrilled to have in their day-to-day life! From their own milk bowl to trees that made just for cats to an endless supply of toys – heaven is full of all of these things! However, the most exciting thing of all for any cat lover to know – heaven is truly full of catnip – “afloat in the sky” as Cynthia shares with her readers. Oh, how peaceful this book makes a cat lover feel in knowing that their beloved is truly happy!
In addition, not only are they happy – but they are taken care of and loved. From a look at God’s kitchen where their bowls are full of milk, salmon and many other delicious fish dishes to the angels who love them and rub their little noses, each little kitty is surrounded with all of the care they need. What great peace of mind for every kitty family in knowing that their little furry feline is so very happy!
However, the largest peace of mind in the book is the description of how these special little kitties still “watch the old house where she once lived” and how she keeps her eyes on her beloved family. The reader’s heart becomes very warm in knowing that our much-loved little friends are still with us – and are truly our angels in heaven, watching over us and protecting us.
This book is a must-read for any family that is trying to explain death to a child. In helping the child, the parent will find that they too will find peace in knowing that there is a beautiful place called “Cat Heaven.”
Understanding Grief
Posted by Coleen Ellis on November 4th, 2008
Grief is one of the most normal and natural emotions that we can feel, yet it is one of the most misunderstood. Grief is a normal, and unavoidable, reaction to the loss of a treasured loved one. Because grief often involves very painful and difficult feelings, most of us think that our grief is wrong or “crazy” in some way. Nothing could be further from the truth. Grief is a very healthy psychological response that requires expression and acknowledgement. Attempts to suppress feelings of grief can actually prolong the healing process.
Our discomfort with grief comes from a variety of sources, but can often be traced back to how our own families have dealt with loss, and how society in general responds to a bereaved person. Unfortunately, many of the responses we hear reinforce the notion that grief is unnatural and perpetuate the myths that grief should be avoided and expressed only behind closed doors. Society tends to reward the more unhealthy responses (stoicism and avoidance) while punishing the more healthy ones (expression and acceptance). Some common responses we hear when a death occurs are as follows:
“Try to stay busy.”
“Big boys don’t cry.”
“Out of sight, out of mind.”
“You still have other pets.”
These responses suggest to us that we should not feel badly about our losses. They encourage us to avoid our feelings and put pressure on us to get over the loss as soon as possible. Grief just doesn’t work that way and cannot be put onto a time schedule. Everyone grieves in their own time and in their own way, and creating artificial deadlines or expecting grief to disappear overnight only creates more stress for the bereaved person.
Other common responses like…“just go out and get yourself another dog” suggest that loved ones are easily and readily replaced. They tell the griever to handle the pain by replacing the loss and forgetting the past. The notion of replacing a loss as a way of handling the grief comes to many of us from a very early age. Many of us can probably recall from childhood losing a favorite toy or beloved object and being told, “don’t feel bad, we’ll buy you a new one tomorrow.” Responses like these minimize and complicate the griever’s pain by insinuating that the loss was relatively unimportant and should be “fixed” by replacement.
Given that our society promotes many of these myths about grief, it is important to remember that a grieving person needs acknowledgement, validation, and support. One of the best ways to deal with our grief is to understand that it is normal and to not make any judgments about our emotions. There are times when we can handle these feelings with the support of family and friends, and there are other times when professional assistance may be very helpful.
Straight Talk About Cremation
Posted by Coleen Ellis on November 4th, 2008
When Mico died, I was so uneducated on what my options were for her final arrangements. Did I want burial? Did I want cremation? Being in a fog, my mind was not in a state of mind to even think clearly – much less make this very large decision as to what to do with my precious little girl. It had to be right – it had to be perfect – and it had to give her the dignity and respect that she deserved.
In my foggy state, I made my decision and it was the best decision that I could make at the time for her precious little body. I decided I wanted her cremated, as I knew that I wanted her to be with me at all times – and ultimately with me when I die. However, after I came out of my fog, I really began to educate myself on the different practices that cremation companies do when cremating pets. I am here to provide to you a bit of “Straight Talk” on how – and why – you need to educate yourself on what is happening to your pet when they are cremated.
Many cremation companies will tell you that they are cremating your pet “privately.” That should mean that your pet is the only pet in the cremation chamber at one time. Private cremation means that there are NO other pets in the machine. Unfortunately, many companies will put more than one pet in the machine, divide their bodies with a firebrick – and tell you the ashes are of only your pet. The truth of the matter is that when there is more than one pet in the machine – even with their bodies being divided by a firebrick (or other material), there will still be ashes that will commingle due to the force of the heat.
Let me help you with some terminology – or at least some clarifying definitions:
Private Cremation – only one pet in the cremation machine at a time.
Individual Cremation – there will be more than one pet in the cremation chamber at a time. A firebrick will divide the pets. “Separate cremation” is another name.
Ask the questions. You and your beloved little furry friend deserve to know the right answer! I know Mico sure deserved it,….
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